The Digital Age Part II

I once said: Some things in life are unexpected. This can be unpleasant. But if you know what is coming, you can prepare emotionally, physically and psychically. That way when it finally happens, it can even be rewarding. Wouldn't you know... The one time I go in to see the doctor, fully ready for, expecting, and anticipating a prostate exam and he doesn't do it.

Now it's time to pull our collective pants up and get into the Future of ART: NFT's

CLICK the link to see the digital creation that I, Saviour, have curated for your non-fungible token love!

SAViOUR-ONASSiS

Buy, Share, and don't forget to smash the little heart to show how much you care!

xo, SO

I'm Still Alive

On Friday night, I saw Courtney Love perform at a small club outside Los Angeles. It was a "greatest hits/oldies" show for hardcore fans. She was quite sober and in very good voice (for Love). I've seen her perform many, many times and this was frankly one of the best performances she has ever given. Low on drama, playful and fraught with the gothic pain that is Courtney Love's back catalog. I love her... This is being dubbed her "I'm Still Alive" Tour.  A new album and her long awaited memoirs will be released late this year.

Here are two videos that I posted of her interaction with the audience and an acoustic performance of "Petals" from the Celebrity Skin album.

Forgotten Dreams

Why do I feel like I'm scratching on the wall of a cave?

Every episode of "Louie" this season has made me cry.

I desperately want to love and be loved back.

That is all.

Tits Out

Here is the real deep Kabbalah/Wolf inspired image of Madge in the most cigariffic life to death image that you will encounter this whole f***ing year, finches! That's the truth!!

Damaged Good

Friday's are the worst. Especially now, in the evening, I can hear the traffic outside- people rushing home to begin their weekend. But I have nowhere to be and no one to be with... It's the sad story of my life, in some ways, I have always been alone and longing for company.

As a child I would ask for and receive board games for Christmas every year. The kinds of games that were impossible to play by yourself, like: Monopoly, Life, and Risk. It's obvious to me now that I thought that if I had something to offer, surely the players would present themselves for the games. But they never did. Somehow my thinking has never really evolved.

I have had friends over the years. Even whole relationships, but the majority of my life seems to be spent in solitude. A recent ex recently told me that I have a double curse: intelligence and creativity. That somehow these "gifts" are also a curse; because I can entertain myself for long periods of time, which is true but truly useless in the comfort department. I suppose that's why I paint so many portraits. I surround myself with imaginary friends. Famous faces stare back at me from every available inch of my walls. I am the object of their attention and affection. I spent years on a stage, now my audience is my cage.

Just finished reading Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. I had been leisurely making my way through the last book, wanting to prolong the experience. But it was inevitable that I would finish today. I cried. Several times... Despite that I am happy to be reading novels again. My imagination is sparked and the characters become my companions. I have far too much empathy for this world. Feel too deeply. Fall too often. Perhaps for these reasons it is better for me to be alone.

I try to be optimistic about the future. I long to say yes should opportunity knock. What I know for sure is that even though I am damaged that doesn't mean that I'm not still good.

Wait, What?

I arrived home this evening to find two items in my mailbox. The first being the DVD box set of Todd Haynes' Mildred Pierce, which I love and wanted as a reminder that children are simply wretched scabs that will break your heart and fuck your lovers. (I secretly suspect that a similar thing could happen to Madonna if she keeps dating men closer to her daughters age than her own...) I happily added this to my Amazon queue when it became available and was pleased to see that it arrived today. 

However, the other item in my box- a National Geographic magazine, I have no memory of ordering. Oh wait, it has a map of the world with it.... Maybe I do remember possibly subscribing to N.G. in order to get my hands on this precious map of the entire fucking world. But was that really my motivation? What kind of person was I hoping to become in 2012? What does the fact that I signed up for a subscription and forgot about it say about me? I love reading N.G. at the orthodontist or other such glamourous waiting rooms I might find myself in. The pictures are fascinating and beautiful. The articles, interesting enough... Usually in a WTF kind of way. But who was I on the day I decided that, yes- it's time to be a National Geographic reader on a regular basis?

I've been shedding layers of toxic self over the recent weeks. Old skins, beliefs, attitudes... I want to let it all melt off like whipped cream on a hotcake. I don't need the calories and the guilt is so passé. I'm beginning to see the world through new eyes. It's a very good feeling.

I met a man at work the other day, who upon hearing my Christian name responded: "You're too young to be a Wayne. All Wayne's are twenty years older than you." I thought about that for the rest of the day. It made me feel good, somehow better about myself. I decided to google my name to find out what I could about it and stumbled across a couple of different articles in reference to the fact that a disproportionate number of criminals have the middle name of Wayne, ala John Wayne Gacy. Something about the fact that middle name Wayne's are more likely to end up behind bars for heinous criminal activity than people with other, non Wayne middle names. I was slightly freaked out, as this was not the information I had been looking for, so I paid little attention and went onto other less threatening web content. (As an experiment, just say your name out loud and insert Wayne as if it were YOUR middle name. Creepy, right? This is my reality, mind you.) 

I'm not a criminal. Though I have often thought of myself that way. The fates are vicious and they're cruel. I learned too late I used two wishes like a fool...  So what shall I use my final wish on? 

I know that having it all could cost me everything, but what have I to lose? Even though I have a map of the world, I'm still not coming to save you. You'll have to forgive me, my dear. I'm molting.

On The Eve of Something New

I probably spend far too much time alone, which is one of the reasons I have no New Year's Eve plans tonight. No parties. No invitations. Only the ghosts I've chosen to acknowledge... I will spend the evening by myself. Staring into the void, out the window, across the web until my eyes give up and I allow the ghosts of this and every year tuck me in again.

I've given up on therapy. (Like everything else.) I know what I need to do. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. Experience seems to chip away at enthusiasm as if they were natural enemies. I do think that it would be nice to feel loved again. To be in love. To have someone to talk to. To cook for. To snuggle with. To have and to hold... All that. Maybe this year.

Phoenix From The Flame

Somehow I had forgotten the simplest of rules. I would breathe it all in and absorb all I could until I finally collapsed like an ancient empire, unable to sustain my majesty. Yes, it's true, we are all born to die. But the waiting is truly the hardest part. I've had my share of meantime. I could write a book.

Let's try an experiment. Who here can say beyond doubtful shadows that they love themselves just as they are without conditions? Without exceptions? Fuck me, I'm failing; we all seem to say. Desperately seeking... And still the beast goes on. Always hungry and haunting. Crying into the night as the siren on the rocks. Bring me a sense of humor and a water back, goddammit! I ate the seventh seal and clubbed it's baby.

We are taught, early on, what to think but not how to think. I think it's a shame there is so much shame. Pepper spray is the accessory of the season. It's quite striking next to the indifference and self-indulgence that seem to have taken the world by storm. Is it better to stay true to oneself or go with the latest trends? I can't decide really, since the latest fashion seems to have originated in the deepest corners of my soul. Mint in spring? I will keep my eyes and closet open to it.

I promise you this, cowboy: To cherish your sweet memory even as I devour your archetype. And if on these coldest of nights you hear me howling, know that it is for you that I croon.

I will rise.
And I will return.

SO

Remember The Future

Sometimes I just forget, okay?

I forget where I am, what I'm supposed to be doing, and most especially, who the fresh hell I am! In a strangely earned moment of clarity, it all came back to me, flooding my senses with the nostalgia of former selves.... Higher selves, perhaps. One thing is certain: I am having a Dusty moment here and no one here to witness! I have a feeling that it won't be for long.

Seemingly overnight, the gods of attraction have fucked with my bearings enough to produce tangible results. Somehow, I have officially broken through some strange sort of personal threshold and crossed over into the "real world" again. How I loathe unliving like a ghost...

Ghost stories, on the other hand, are just my cup of tea... I absolutely adore American Horror Story, in all it's obscenely over-wrought melodrama. Jessica Lange's character "Constance" has me laughing one minute and freaked the funk out the next. It's a really remarkably entertaining show. I'm starting to LOVE FX.... Louie is a great show as well.

I'm almost ready for the holiday season to begin. At least this year, I am aware that it is upon us. I love that Halloween brings out parts of people that they don't necessarily flaunt the rest of the year. Like characters from the Twilight movies, they will walk around brooding and stating ridiculously obvious things while dressed as the creatures their fragile psyches will allow them to reveal. Don't vampires just suck anymore? Now they are an acceptable choice to date/fuck/marry??? When did this paradigm shift happen? I don't know about you but I'm gonna keep a wooden stake close at hand from now on.

Anyone know where I can pick up some silver bullets? I feel the waxing of the moon and one can never be too prepared. I hope that this year I get all the treats I desire and none of the tricks. I leave those for the kids...

Happy Endings, Crude Beginnings: The Return

I haven't forgotten about you. Not really... I've just been terribly busy being absolutely unremarkable. But that does get a bit boring, too. Of late, I have been bullishly reborn and charging into the unknown again. I really thought there would be more to report, but it seems as though research is the top of the pack these days. Research on a great many things, some personal and some profane. I can share a few...

1) New York City For obvious reasons... My first trip, my fortieth summer, was life altering. I was asked recently how I managed to AVOID going to New York for so long. My reply? "Fear." I want no more of that...

2) The Night Circus Simply a beautiful story of love, magic and mystery... I don't read a lot of novels anymore, but I should. This was a wonderful reintroduction to the world of new fiction. I cried like a baby by the end of this....

3) Drive A strange and compelling film that reminded me that heroes come in many forms and that our gifts are also our curse. Plus, Ryan Gosling.

                                                      *     *     *
I have been working far too much on things that I don't really care about and I think might actually be very bad for me. I need to stop doing that.

Trying to identify my bliss is harder than I thought it would be. At least, the ugly rational part of me tries to get me to believe that. Will my intuition win out? I certainly hope so.

The hardest part of this journey is the return. Wish me luck. I think I need it.

SO