So I am in the office today, toiling away as usual, when lovely young Katherine trots by and stops dead in her tracks to ask me: "What products are you using?"
I think to myself, What products aren't I using?, before raising one eyebrow in the traditional "Excuse me?" gesture. Katherine surveys the landscape of my face and announces: "You look so young! Not that you didn't before, but... You didn't. What happened?"
Indeed. What has happened to the OLD ME? Somehow I always knew that when I hit thirty-five, I would go completely out of my mind and now it has happened. Oh, I've been out of my mind so very many times that it was hardly a stretch to imagine my renewed interest in my own aging body. Getting older is truly a fascinating, horrifying process and since it is something we all have to do, I suppose I should get used to it. I just can't understand why hair suddenly decides to grow out of an ear?
I really like the fact that I not only joined a gym, but that I have gone there to workout almost every day since. I don't really care that teenage boys stare, slack-jawed, as I struggle with fifty pounds. "I have never lifted weights in my life!" I tell them. "I do yoga..." And then I considered adding that I can suck my own dick to see if that would shut them up, but instead I just went upstairs to fight with the stupid TreadClimber, which I decided is twice the workout and twice the trouble. Fuck that machine, man. I can fall on my ass tripping over shoelaces! I can't, by the way, suck my own dick if you are still thinking about that. I find it helpful to have a specific goal in mind when practicing yoga.
So, there is that, and the beach trips this summer, which gave me a lovely glow... Also, the fact that I no longer live in a tiny studio, all alone, probably contributes to the youthful, fresh appearance I seem to be emitting. I thought about telling Katherine any number of these things, but in the end, I resorted to a fairly uninspired answer to her products question: "Mainly, I smoke a lot and jerk off to The Machinist." Katherine blinked several times before scampering back to her desk. Oh, well. She's not really my type anyway.
I actually like lots of things about getting older. First of all, I know more from experience. Hopefully, I am getting smarter as well as hairier and more bitter. I think that I am, but what do I know? I've got all kinds of products to apply, hair to remove and loves to forget. I should get going on that.
Five! Six! Seven! Eight!