I've been given a time out.Benched, though I wasn't involved in the scuffle. I'm just guilty by association, I guess...
I should be used to the sidelines by now, but I'm not. I still want to play, but I should confess that the thought of retiring has crossed my mind. Is it wrong to give up the sport altogether?
Maybe the game will go into overtime... Meanwhile, I can only watch and wait and contemplate how I got here in the first place.
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We must be teammates, then. I keep watching the action but cannot muster enough energy to even desire returning to the sweat-drenched matches, mindless competition, long trips, meaningless trophies. But perhaps the game will not be won without us...
The rules keep changing but the rulebook never gets updated it seems. The game becomes about waiting but not realizing you're waiting.
I realize NOW that I probably shouldn't use metaphors that I know nothing about. I actually had to ask someone: "What's it called when you can't play anymore?"
Maybe I need to rethink this, because the game I was playing had no trophies, no rulebooks, no thing at all.
Imagine it like prison and someone offs my cellmate and I get sent to solitary, even though I didn't kill him. Or just listen to a lot of Radiohead and punch yourself in the face.
That seems to help.
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