On The Eve of Something New

I probably spend far too much time alone, which is one of the reasons I have no New Year's Eve plans tonight. No parties. No invitations. Only the ghosts I've chosen to acknowledge... I will spend the evening by myself. Staring into the void, out the window, across the web until my eyes give up and I allow the ghosts of this and every year tuck me in again.

I've given up on therapy. (Like everything else.) I know what I need to do. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. Experience seems to chip away at enthusiasm as if they were natural enemies. I do think that it would be nice to feel loved again. To be in love. To have someone to talk to. To cook for. To snuggle with. To have and to hold... All that. Maybe this year.

Phoenix From The Flame

Somehow I had forgotten the simplest of rules. I would breathe it all in and absorb all I could until I finally collapsed like an ancient empire, unable to sustain my majesty. Yes, it's true, we are all born to die. But the waiting is truly the hardest part. I've had my share of meantime. I could write a book.

Let's try an experiment. Who here can say beyond doubtful shadows that they love themselves just as they are without conditions? Without exceptions? Fuck me, I'm failing; we all seem to say. Desperately seeking... And still the beast goes on. Always hungry and haunting. Crying into the night as the siren on the rocks. Bring me a sense of humor and a water back, goddammit! I ate the seventh seal and clubbed it's baby.

We are taught, early on, what to think but not how to think. I think it's a shame there is so much shame. Pepper spray is the accessory of the season. It's quite striking next to the indifference and self-indulgence that seem to have taken the world by storm. Is it better to stay true to oneself or go with the latest trends? I can't decide really, since the latest fashion seems to have originated in the deepest corners of my soul. Mint in spring? I will keep my eyes and closet open to it.

I promise you this, cowboy: To cherish your sweet memory even as I devour your archetype. And if on these coldest of nights you hear me howling, know that it is for you that I croon.

I will rise.
And I will return.

SO

Remember The Future

Sometimes I just forget, okay?

I forget where I am, what I'm supposed to be doing, and most especially, who the fresh hell I am! In a strangely earned moment of clarity, it all came back to me, flooding my senses with the nostalgia of former selves.... Higher selves, perhaps. One thing is certain: I am having a Dusty moment here and no one here to witness! I have a feeling that it won't be for long.

Seemingly overnight, the gods of attraction have fucked with my bearings enough to produce tangible results. Somehow, I have officially broken through some strange sort of personal threshold and crossed over into the "real world" again. How I loathe unliving like a ghost...

Ghost stories, on the other hand, are just my cup of tea... I absolutely adore American Horror Story, in all it's obscenely over-wrought melodrama. Jessica Lange's character "Constance" has me laughing one minute and freaked the funk out the next. It's a really remarkably entertaining show. I'm starting to LOVE FX.... Louie is a great show as well.

I'm almost ready for the holiday season to begin. At least this year, I am aware that it is upon us. I love that Halloween brings out parts of people that they don't necessarily flaunt the rest of the year. Like characters from the Twilight movies, they will walk around brooding and stating ridiculously obvious things while dressed as the creatures their fragile psyches will allow them to reveal. Don't vampires just suck anymore? Now they are an acceptable choice to date/fuck/marry??? When did this paradigm shift happen? I don't know about you but I'm gonna keep a wooden stake close at hand from now on.

Anyone know where I can pick up some silver bullets? I feel the waxing of the moon and one can never be too prepared. I hope that this year I get all the treats I desire and none of the tricks. I leave those for the kids...

Happy Endings, Crude Beginnings: The Return

I haven't forgotten about you. Not really... I've just been terribly busy being absolutely unremarkable. But that does get a bit boring, too. Of late, I have been bullishly reborn and charging into the unknown again. I really thought there would be more to report, but it seems as though research is the top of the pack these days. Research on a great many things, some personal and some profane. I can share a few...

1) New York City For obvious reasons... My first trip, my fortieth summer, was life altering. I was asked recently how I managed to AVOID going to New York for so long. My reply? "Fear." I want no more of that...

2) The Night Circus Simply a beautiful story of love, magic and mystery... I don't read a lot of novels anymore, but I should. This was a wonderful reintroduction to the world of new fiction. I cried like a baby by the end of this....

3) Drive A strange and compelling film that reminded me that heroes come in many forms and that our gifts are also our curse. Plus, Ryan Gosling.

                                                      *     *     *
I have been working far too much on things that I don't really care about and I think might actually be very bad for me. I need to stop doing that.

Trying to identify my bliss is harder than I thought it would be. At least, the ugly rational part of me tries to get me to believe that. Will my intuition win out? I certainly hope so.

The hardest part of this journey is the return. Wish me luck. I think I need it.

SO

What becomes a Legend most?

Legendary fucking behaviour, darling. That's what! But seriously, I believe it's a grand old time to dwell on this particular question. Let the new chapter begin. Let the fiercest of the characters emerge. Emerge. God, I love that word. I so seldom get to use it in a sentence. I am more than ready for a little mileage, Miss Driver. If you will, I will too. Let call it even and pray that this time it's not just a dream. Is that the dawn I see?

Never Cooperate With A Soul-Eater

It never works out in your favor.

That's basically where I've been for the last eight and a half months.... An incubation period, for sure. Reading over my blog, I figure I have to set the record straight on a few points, for my own mind's clarity. I forget, sometimes, that growth is painful and confusing. But I always seem to come out the other side. For better or for worse, legal or not, I'm married to myself.

I've had a lot going on this year, but nothing that really damaged my root system. Leaves are beginning to sprout again and that's a good thing. I think that my trip to New York (what was that?) helped. It's like that self-help book I own but have never read: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I realized that I am downright terrified of a great many things, but I am also an incredibly adaptable/mutable being. So, fear is really just something to take note of, not to live by.... Fear is a soul-eater, too.

I've been doing some thinking about what it all means.... My life purpose, blah, blah, blah... I think that maybe it's not so tough to figure out. Maybe the answer is right in front of me. I just have to open my eyes to the possibility and the possibility will open it's eyes to me.

Here's looking at you, kid!
SO

Zeitgeist

Maybe it is the wine.

Or maybe the French subtitles...

I feel like reaching out.

My loneliness attacks in sudden bursts and my tears aren't shy.

The only "like minds" seem so far away.

Angel McQueen, I need you now.

Do something magic, so I can believe...

Man Walks Into a Bar

Watch this. Made me cry...

Start Spreading The News

I am finally going to visit the Big Apple!

This July 4th and that week, I will be in NYC for the first time. If you have any suggestions as to what I absolutely must experience while I am there, please let me know.

I am quite excited about this trip. Lifelong dream is finally coming to fruition.... I definitely want to see a Broadway show, Central Park, etc... I will be staying in Midtown.

SO

live alone

Wherever you are
Whoever is there
You'll know that I'll be here
I'll be here
Wishing I could be there