Never Cooperate With A Soul-Eater

It never works out in your favor.

That's basically where I've been for the last eight and a half months.... An incubation period, for sure. Reading over my blog, I figure I have to set the record straight on a few points, for my own mind's clarity. I forget, sometimes, that growth is painful and confusing. But I always seem to come out the other side. For better or for worse, legal or not, I'm married to myself.

I've had a lot going on this year, but nothing that really damaged my root system. Leaves are beginning to sprout again and that's a good thing. I think that my trip to New York (what was that?) helped. It's like that self-help book I own but have never read: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I realized that I am downright terrified of a great many things, but I am also an incredibly adaptable/mutable being. So, fear is really just something to take note of, not to live by.... Fear is a soul-eater, too.

I've been doing some thinking about what it all means.... My life purpose, blah, blah, blah... I think that maybe it's not so tough to figure out. Maybe the answer is right in front of me. I just have to open my eyes to the possibility and the possibility will open it's eyes to me.

Here's looking at you, kid!
SO

Zeitgeist

Maybe it is the wine.

Or maybe the French subtitles...

I feel like reaching out.

My loneliness attacks in sudden bursts and my tears aren't shy.

The only "like minds" seem so far away.

Angel McQueen, I need you now.

Do something magic, so I can believe...

Man Walks Into a Bar

Watch this. Made me cry...

Start Spreading The News

I am finally going to visit the Big Apple!

This July 4th and that week, I will be in NYC for the first time. If you have any suggestions as to what I absolutely must experience while I am there, please let me know.

I am quite excited about this trip. Lifelong dream is finally coming to fruition.... I definitely want to see a Broadway show, Central Park, etc... I will be staying in Midtown.

SO

live alone

Wherever you are
Whoever is there
You'll know that I'll be here
I'll be here
Wishing I could be there

Let It Bleed

It's Monday morning and I am back at my Good Old Desk, contemplating the cosmos, muscle aches and lunch orders. I absolutely can't wait for the weekend, when I shall run away from Los Angeles and leave behind all my problems. At least that's the fantasy version of it. I'm feeling full lately, like an old sponge that needs to be rinsed, squeezed and hung out to dry.... Do you ever have the need for a good old-fashioned blood-letting? I have absorbed just about all I can take in.

My meditation practice has been spotty lately. Sometimes sleeping in seems more appealing than sitting up and chanting. I am trying to get back on course. It's been a rough month on the homefront. I might have mentioned that.... I'm fully settled into the idea of the HOLIDAYS being an unavoidable phenomenon, so I am embracing them in an attempt to maybe get a little release from the pressure of being alive. There is something so surreal about this time of year in Los Angeles. The faux fall decorations, all orange and brown, followed by the various forms of white meant to represent snow or cocaine, depending on what part of LA you are in.

Days like this make me want to listen to Hole. I just hate being in a situation where I'm kicking myself and saying: "I should have listened to Courtney Love!" She's like a V-8, that girl....

It DOES Get Better

I have a lot of thoughts on the subject of gay suicide, but I want to be able to give it the attention it deserves. In the meantime, I AM wearing purple today (and pretty much everyday) in a show of support. If you are the victim of bullying, take it from me... They will get what's coming to them. Karma is a beautiful thing. Just be strong... Listen to your favorite album and imagine all the fabulous things you will accomplish.


Being young is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced, but I got through it. There is a much better world waiting for you just around the corner. Be brave, kids...

Negative Space

Had yet another oral surgery today.... Fun with a capital F! Drove myself home wondering if, indeed, this is real life? But you know, I never wanted to be your weekend lover. Also, I think it's high time we all delete Sally Field from our friends list because... No, we don't really like you, Gidget.

In the absence of loftier goals, I've been communing with negative space. I fill it with positive energy and watch the elementary fireworks until I finally give in to the moment just after it's passed. Think, think, think... What would Zizek do? Or Kant? Or Jeremy Bieber?

Yes, you read that right: Jeremy Bieber, father of Justin. That's a father worth googling, if googling fathers is indeed your bag. It's only occasionally MY bag, depending of course on whether or not it goes with my ensemble for the day. Mother wanted me to come out in a kimono. We had a horrible fight....

A bit of paranoia struck me earlier, regarding bed bugs and the state of my couch. Though it was well into the evening's television programming, I busted out the steamer and gave the entire living furniture the once over. I'm not really sure if steam adversely affects bed bugs, but it did make me feel better. Plus, adding a couple of drop of lavender essential oil into the machine makes it all smell spring time fresh!

I start back to work tomorrow after an all too brief hiatus that was more drama filled than an episode of Desperate Housewives. We've had guests, honey. It hasn't been pretty. I'm wondering why I feel the need to smudge this entire apartment with sage??

Give us this day our daily check, please!

Highly Domestic

A little late for spring cleaning, but still I am compelled to dust off the evil of neglect and start anew. Housekeeping is such a temporary satisfaction. It seems that no sooner have I cleared the clutter and it has begun all over again. As usual, I wonder what it is I am avoiding by playing housewife to myself. Surely there are some incredibly manly things that I can't bear to begin. And so it is that I find myself blogging this sunny California afternoon.

My teeth feel tight.

I've been eating sugar and far too much sugar lately. Trying, unsuccessfully to satiate this longing.... I was entirely unprepared for the fact that the HOLIDAYS are upon us. It still feel like summer to me. But, I can't argue with the Halloween displays at the local drugstore, or the Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations starting to fill the local stores.... Didn't we just do this? I'm not ready for another year. I want to take this holiday off.... I dread the food. The shopping... The traffic, the traveling... The family and predictability of it all.

On the other hand, I really don't know what else I would rather be doing.

I've eaten all the macaroons I've been given.

It's Like a Dog, It Will Bite You...

I return to the keyboard, mouse and publish button. It's not that I didn't have fun with my other mistresses, canvases, paints and guitars... Just that I hate the Dilettante card. Hate, hate, hate it.... No, I would much rather be an Artist. True Artist. Favorite Artist. Anything but an amateur.

I cut my own hair last night. Chopped at it viciously with a scissor until I could regain my composure enough to stop. It looks okay. Would probably be a better look if this was 1963. No, you can't see a picture. I will have to turn in my hipster union card, though. I'm totally uncool right now. Maybe that admission makes me cool again. But I have a slight headache, oatmeal to eat and a body to punish at the gym.

I hope that we can be friends again. All my imaginary ones have long since left the building... Come back to the five and dime with me?