SO JEALOUS

I don't want to be part of the problem but I can see that it's me, not you, not ever, and so I beat myself up again. I try so hard to get roughed up, fucked up in a sea of never ending agony and defeat. It's a no win situation, fists on up. Like the way it looks that easy on TV, in the movies... Confidence runs wild, yeah, it looks that way to me. But I'm a fool for trying, it looks that way to you, doesn't it? Or am I missing something. I'm missing everything, but then there's you telling me I can. And it kills me, you know that it does. Everytime, a little more...Then there's you screaming say something, say anything. Just don't wait until you're halfway through the door before asking me.
I want the ocean right now and I don't care how deep I go. If I drown, then what I've lost might get found. I guess I want the ocean right now. I'll call it that because of what I can't admit.

I get so jealous that I can't even work, think, breathe without being aware of what you have that I will never. I have to wake up to me. There I am. There I am in the morning and baby, I don't like what I see. Reflections betray and I want what I haven't got. I don't know how it's become such a problem, but it has. It's something I have to do. I'll try not to keep you up all night. I'll try not to feel the way I do. Maybe I can, if I try to remain calm, detached, cool like Fonzie. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. How can they ask why I feel so angry? So betrayed, so messed up. Do you see my problem? I should only get what I deserve, what I ask for is apparently too much if I never explain it.

But then there's you asking me how long and I don't know how to answer. How long until you stop asking me to say something? It's taken me so long to get here. I don't want to go back. I just wish it didn't hurt so much to hear about your love. I'm not listening anymore.