Thursday, February 23, 2006

Rumour #1

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Jim. Say hello, Jim...

Hello Jim.

Have you been sleeping?


You mean, without life?

I mean without a body

How severe!

Tell me about it.

Why, Jim, have you come?

I left something here. Something important.

You had no problems circumnavigating timespace?

It's a sneaky afterlife.

IT should be noted, at this point, that we are in the Great Hall of HuManity, amidst the elder tribesmen of the nations.


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

LOST or: (No Man is an Island)

I quite like the idea of being marooned on a island.

I should do something about that.

You see, I have fashioned my life as a castaway.

Some boys drown.

Still, I never learned to swim.

So, here I stay.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Tend Your Own

Please, darling, don't feel like you have to tip-toe around words like rancid and posterior around me. I'm quite capable, you know. Only last week, I unburdened in front of the gardener and didn't even blink.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Paradox of the Day

People think I'm being clever when I'm dead serious.

People think I'm dead serious when I'm being clever.

But seriously, I'd rather be clever than dead, people!

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Angels Don't Eat Carbs

I left the house for the first time in almost a week and was greatly annoyed to find that many asshole-like celebrities also needed groceries. Yeah, Cameron, we all look like shit on Sunday. No Drew, no one is staring at you. Jesus, will I have to fight Lucy Liu over the last Carrot Ginger Soup? Is this store called Ralph's or Charlie's?

Anyway, then I had a frightening encounter with a coupon clipper in the bread aisle. In real life, Desperate Housewives are not my cup of tea. This woman told me where I could buy chili boxes at half the price. I replied:

"I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my cocaine-addled houseboy, I like paying full price for my chili boxes because I am young, gay and have a completely disposable income."

"I have children," she said, reorganizing her coupons. "It's like a game."

"If you say so." She went on about it long after I had escaped the carb aisle. It's no wonder I never go down there.

For all you reality buffs out there, I don't really have a houseboy with a cocaine problem. But if I did, he would surely get an earfull about my shopping habits. Yeah, I will drive an extra mile to go to a store that doesn't smell like rotten orange juice and I don't mind paying more for the things I like because I can. Now, please forgive me, I have to drive someone to the methadone clinic.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Is It Over?

Just when you start to lose the holiday weight, another freakin Greeting Card holiday comes along with it's stupid heart-shaped boxes full of chocolates to fuck you up again. Valentines Day sucks the balls of a week old carcass, rotting in the sun. I hate it.

So, to not celebrate V-day, I picked up a copy of Comedy Central's Roast of Pamela Anderson. Funny stuff, including Bea Arthur reading excerpts from Pam's novel. "I don't want anything to do with your wiener!" Neither do we, Bea, neither do we... But the most out of context appearance was by Courtney Love, who not only subjected herself to roasting by all the comedians, but gave them a scare by trying her own hand at stand up comedy. Like Pam said: "I knew she could do comedy, I just didn't know if she could stand up!"

Courtney, in keeping with her theory that she is the center of the universe, did jokes with herself as the punchline. My favorite? "Last week, I was handcuffed in a jail cell and sodomized without a condom and just my luck...I lost his phone number." Also, "Pam is the girl you want to fuck and tell all your friends. I'm the girl you want to fuck and refuse to tell anybody, then go see the doctor..." Courtney kept insisting that she had been clean and sober for a year. It was funny and weird and sad because just days later a judge ordered her back to rehab. But she's out now and ready to resurrect her career as a national disgrace.

I love Love. You go girl!