Sunday, June 14, 2009

Terminator: Salivation

It's been three days since I had my lingual braces installed on my upper teeth. Three days of painful, uncomfortable, tongue-lacerating, almost impossibly ridiculous torture. And this, I have done to myself. Nevermind that not one person said to me: "Don't get braces! It's not worth it! Remember Miranda!" They tell me that it gets better. Somehow I am supposed to get used to it. But it's going to take everything I've got to overcome the worst new side effect of adult braces: the lisp.

As if I didn't sound gay enough already, now I've got a horrible Drew Barrymore thing going on. But, if Drew can overcome her lisp and effectively affect an East Hampton accent to portray Little Edie Bouvier Beale, then so can I.... Overcome my lisp, that is. Not that I wouldn't mind being Edie for a spell, but it could become a bit boring.  For too long a time, I mean... That seems to be my biggest obstacle right now. Trying to reconcile the past and the future. Trying to be in the moment but not be overwhelmed by it. I am desperate to adapt to my current predicament. How much cuter can straighter teeth possibly make me? 

I turn 38 soon and I'm thinking that this must be my version of a midlife crises. My little red corvette moment in the sun. My inner teenager thrusting himself to the foreground. My poor tongue! People having been asking me why I chose to get braces now. Frankly, I don't have a very good answer for that. I have always lamented the fact that, as a teen, my family didn't have insurance and couldn't afford braces. At least, that's the memory I am choosing. How awful if we could have afforded it and my parents just denied me a chance to have a pretty smile! I just hate the way my teeth look, I guess. And if these braces do their job, I won't have to worry about that ever again. I told my orthodontist that I want a proper Osmond smile. In the meantime, call me brace face, metal mouth, train tracks, cheese grater, atomic lips, stump grinder or just Terminator. 

Here's drooling on you, kid!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Bearing Good News

In case you, like me, received insanely shitty news today.... I recommend the new Grizzly Bear CD.

It can make you forget about the fact that you don't have equal rights, subdue the rising paranoia of your pointlessness and calm the soul on cold, summer nights like these. 

Put the lime in the coconut, folks. Drink 'em both up!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

My Body, The Hand Grenade

Comfortable living aside, I am a mess waiting to blossom. 

We have been getting a lot of work done on the condo, but at the rate the earthquakes are coming.... Methinks the end is near. I blame my mother, who always seemed to take the "latter-day" part of sainthood a little too seriously. Apocalyptic nightmares are second nature to me now. Though I really need to stock up on drinkable water, just in case.

Also, after recovering from my first and quite severe sunburn of the season, I have had many minor body issues to freak out about. For instance, I am fairly sure that red wine has become a vital fluid that I may not be able to live long without.  I get these really really nasty canker sores every time I have a job.... As the shoot date approaches, my mouth breaks out into a minefield of pain and fades away as the job subsides. Weird stress related shit, right? How about the pain under my right arm or the monster knots residing in my back? I really need a spa weekend. I need a reset button. I cannot believe that I am getting braces even though I am rapidly approaching my forties. It doesn't get uglier than this, Betty.

In pop culture news, I am thrilled that many television shows have released their death grip on me by having season finales. LOST is my favorite and its sort of sad that there is only one more year of it. Adam Lambert was robbed on AI. I felt really bad for him and I still haven't figured out why.... I am currently loving SPORE Origins on my iPhone and hating John and Kate and their stupid reality show/tabloid dumbass lives.... Go the fuck away already!

If the world doesn't end, you can bet I will still be here in beautiful sunny California, complaining like an old woman about something that ails me.... After all, cats and raccoons can get a bit boring.... After too long a time, I mean.

Loving you,


Monday, May 11, 2009

Beauty and the Beasts

I have a couple of things I'd like to get off my chest. Try as I may, I can't find the appropriate fake tit segueway into the Miss California debacle.

First of all, I'm listening to her mother talk about the "persecution" of her daughter by the media, the internet and the gays for her BELIEFS! Excuse me, but her answer was horrible. Not just in content, but in the actual delivery of it. She stumbled over her own words, said things like "I think I believe that...." and "in my country..." She made a damn fool of herself and for her STUPIDITY, not her beliefs, she is being lambasted by the media and the gays... Plus, she proved herself to be an ugly person. Ugly doesn't win pageants or friends. Personally, I think her behavior since the pageant has proven that she is above all a sore loser. Clearly, celebrity is her main goal here. It's tacky to claim you lost a crown because you are too religious or conservative or whatever and then have nude pictures of yourself pop up on the internet. I hope she resigns. I hope Donald Trump says "You're Fired!" 

Tacky Carrie Prejean just wants her 15 minutes. 
Tick tock tick tock tick tock!

The whole gay marriage civil rights thing has everybody all freaked out in dumb ways. I actually heard Marie Osmond comment that civil rights should be equal for everybody. Is it possible that Marie, being the mother of a lesbian, could change other Mormon minds? I doubt it... But I agree that we need to keep religion out of it. Also, we need to stop saying dumb things like "Gay is the new Black!" Black is black and white is white. Then there's that whole gay area in between.... Gay is the new Gay! We need to fight our own fight and not belittle the struggle for civil rights that Carrie Prejean and Marion Barry fought for themselves.

Here is my real question today, kids: Got Milk?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Straight Up

Today I went to the orthodontist for the first time in my life. I am contemplating getting braces at the age of 37. Of course, I'm all torn up about it because while my insurance will cover a healthy chunk of the bill, I will be out of pocket about 4 grand. This is the second time I have been asked to fork over that amount of money to fix my body. A body, that I remind you, is only mine temporarily.... I have no real way of knowing whether or not having my teeth straightened will improve the quality of my life. Any thoughts on this?

In an unrelated note, I had a sex dream about John McCain the other night. More of a nightmare, really... But who hasn't narrowly escaped being raped by Republicans? And no, it did not take place in a log cabin.

I joined Twitter, which you can add to my list of things to avoid. Or just start following my twits, if you are twittered yourself. 

Damn you, ennui! 

Bugging out in the batmobile,

Monday, January 19, 2009


If I ever see your face again.... 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Facebook is like a whole new hell.  Not that I am opposed to reconnecting with my past, it's just that sometimes I am emotionally unprepared to do so. Lots of memories have been stirred up in me lately and I just can't find an appropriate outlet. I thought and thought and came upon this: blog about it. Perfectly natural for me, right? Then I looked at the measly number of entries last year. No one is listening, my friends. And it's all my fault, really...

You see, Dale, I have been trying to find a way to integrate all the different factions of my life. It is not an easy process. I've fallen in love with Tara. So, I see the need for my compartmentalization. Last time I really let group A and group B mingle with C, D and the godforsaken F... Well, let's just say that there was blood. Again, here I am trying to make an effort. Who knows, maybe I will be successful this time?

I'm excited about the future.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

2008: A Pictorial Review

Because I can't be bothered to try and remember what happened... It seems like I was just in Chicago celebrating the end of 2007. Time flies.

Here are some of the highlights of my year:

Dodger Stadium for the Madonna concert:

Mexico Vacation

Prop 8 Protest Downtown Los Angeles:

I have no idea what this is:

My impression of a 60's Daddy in a cheap motel:

Scrambling in Joshua Tree National Park:

View at the Grand Canyon, Arizona: 

Catalina Island, California:

Niagara Falls!

Happy New Year from Saviour Onassis!

I will even go so far as to make a "blog more" resolution!