Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Ban The Liaison!

Alright kids, it's time to talk about the relationship between intelligence and unhappiness. I know there is a connection there, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It is this missing link that must be destroyed. Here is what I purpose:

Let's start with eradicating the middleman, wherever he might appear. It is my theory that our social dependence on this behavior is at the root of our problems. For instance, in your daily life, if you find yourself in the middle of a conversation that would be better served by letting the participants engage each other, politely excuse yourself. Or just get the fuck out of it, whatever works for you. Also, it is advisable to take a cue from Travis Bickle. "You talkin' to me?" is a brilliant gateway into direct conversation and avoiding the standard "What did he just say to me?" will empower you in numerous ways. Perhaps you feel the urge to say: "How's it hangin'?" to the CEO of your company, but as a lowly office boy, you are required to follow protocol and tell your superior to tell his superior and so on, until the point is lost in office politics and red tape. Finally, it is of upmost importance to NOT involve other people in the pursuit of booty. Trust me on this, you are better off not asking Nancy to tell Gary that Freddy thinks Portia is hot. Or whatever combination you might come up with yourself. Here is what you do: If you see a baboon you fancy, just yell out: "I like your big red ass!" and watch how fast you'll see results.

Once the human need to insinuate ourselves into everybody else's drama has disappeared from the planet, I believe we will finally see that it was that very thing that led to our miserable existence. Of course, I could be wrong and we would be living in chaos, hyper-aware of our unhappiness and feeling more and more moronic every day. Hey, wait a minute! That what life is like NOW....

I'm going to have to rethink this whole theory.

The baboon bit I like, though. That I will keep.

I'll be back...

If you need me, my secretary will be taking messages.

8 comments:

Dale said...

Boy do I look and sound ridiculous clapping at your post. All the way from baboons to people insinuating themselves into everybody else's drama. Oh shit, did I just do that? I'm clapping anyway.

Erik said...

I live in the state represented by the Honorable Senator Santorum, so I am not free, alas, to fancy a baboon's ass, much less to shout about it. But bravo. I intend to pursue the spirit of the thing, at least.

Ernesto Raul said...

Great post! I like the baboon line also.

ziggystardust73 said...

Your secretary referred me to her PA.

SlayGirl said...

I like your theories SO. The world probably would be simpler if we were to follow these guidelines. You should be the president of something.

Tumuli said...

Trenchant. Silence simplifies so much in this awful life.

By the way: I adore your blog.

Dale said...

Hi Secretary? Where the hell is Saviour? Don't pretend he's not in his office avoiding everyone's calls. This kind of customer service is appalling. Hi Saviour. You there? Pick up please.

Secretary Onassis said...

Saviour Onassis regrets to inform you that he is currently managing the apocolypse and will be back as soon as the world ends.