Though it has not been "cold" here in Los Angeles, I am feeling the effects of the season. Something is definitely up...or down, rather, as I have been taken over by what I can only describe as "Winter Wayne."
WW is hungry. He's been in hibernation for a long time and now that he is awake, I fear my waistline may be in trouble. Ravenous is not a comfortable feeling. I am craving junk food and have let my diet slip quite a bit lately. Something about the holidays does that to me. I intentionally skipped Halloween because it marks the "beginning" of the season, with candy. F*ck sugar, I don't need it. But the Jelly Bellies just keep popping into my mouth. I had jokingly dubbed my diet WWBE, meaning: What Would Bowie Eat? And that seems fitting, though lately it's been WWCE, as in: What Wouldn't Courtney Eat? and that, frankly, scares me.
WWBE is a good diet, or "lifestyle" as some would say, because a diet is only temporary. The rules are simple: just ask yourself "Would Bowie eat this?" Personally, I can't imagine Bowie eating much of anything, so this has kept me slim and trim. But lately, when I pass the Taco Bell, I think, "What the hell!" I actually pulled into the drive through the other night and was divinely blocked by a large truck, facing backwards. I took this as a sign and immediately drove away. I came home and had some soup.
But Winter Wayne is more than just appetite. It's the way my self help books don't hold the same allure as my magazines, or the new Dennis Cooper novel, which makes me sick but I keep reading anyway. It's as if my mind and body have betrayed me on some cosmic level. Sure, I've been under a lot of stress lately and this latest war was no fun at all. I hope that's all it is. I am almost finished with this job and I expect to bounce back. But in the meantime, my winter skin has slipped in and taken over. Is that the smell of despondency? Maybe just a little.
No, it doesn't help that the clutter is piling up and I've been too tired to clean. I have resolved to be "neater" so many times, I am starting to feel like Kevin Costner at a Madonna concert. My youngest sister is expecting the first baby in our family since she was born 22 years ago. So, I am planning a little trip home, to see the baby and eat some turkey with the folks. As an adult, I have grown weary of the rituals of Christmas. The "what-do-you-want-this-year" calls have already started and I am at a loss. I have always been the kind of guy who just buys whatever he wants and leaves nothing for "gifting." Though I have considered myself easy to buy for (ie: easy to please), it's just not true. It is constant work, keeping the people in your life abreast of your latest infatuations. I have received Powerpuff Girls merchandise, long after the novelty had worn off.
So what I have to do is reinvent myself for the season. The old Winter Wayne is just not gonna cut it this year. I like fitting into the same size jeans I wore in high school, all those winters ago. I refuse to be depressed. I refuse to accept my hunger. All I need is more sleep and a better attitude. That's not too much to ask, right?