Friday, February 23, 2007

With Training Wheels

Now that I can be sure no one is watching, I have a confession to make. There was a presence in my life, the latter part of last year, whom I was quite smitten with. True, it was probably more the idea of him that had me, but nonetheless, I was smitten. I was quite careful not to divulge too many of the details here on the internet, out of respect for what I hoped would be a full blown relationship. Alas, it came to pass that this man was not Mr. Right. I don't know exactly what he was... I do know that when he finally said to me: "I don't read people's blogs," I knew it was over.

For one thing, I thought I had come to represent more than "people" to him. And yeah, the blogging hasn't been so great lately anyway. I blame my own fears for that. Still.... I think that Holly said it best when she told me that he was my training wheels boyfriend. Granted, I have been off the horse for quite a spell and upon reflection, that was exactly what I needed to get back in the game. Of course, after a self-imposed celibacy, I feel ready to gallop a bit. Not quite up to racing again... It's strange, the nature of love. Human hearts are elastic and electric. They beat. They break. And sometimes, sometimes they attack.

Maybe that's why the mystery endures. I tried to write a love song, but ended up using the word whore anyway... What's up with that? Perhaps there's just too little of me, too. Now I've lost the track.... This I'm definitely blaming on Gwen Stefani. I tried to do a little shopping today and every store I went into was playing her fucked up new album. This shit is even more fucked up than spelling bananas! Here is, indeed, a prime example of someone with a gigantic platform and absolutely nothing to say! I miss the days when Gwen was ironic, when she was just a girl. I miss the summer of my youth. Most of all, I think I miss my heart the most.

Lately there have been flurries in the area. I'll let you know if it develops into something more.


Dale said...

Love is everything they said it would be...

I figured there was something keeping you from us Saviour. Don't let the stormy weather keep you inside too long.

So take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
And know you'll never be the same
And find it in your heart to kneel down and say
I gave my love didn't I?
And I gave it big...sometimes
And I gave it in my own sweet time
I'm just leaving

Love is everything...

Grieving said...

Ahhh I miss Tragic Kingdom :( She probably should have stopped singing after that...

Tumuli said...

"Human hearts are elastic and electric. They beat. They break. And sometimes, sometimes they attack."

Truer words have never been written. I miss both my innocent days and Gwen's gumption. But mostly I miss willing myself to love...

Scott said...

It is like training wheels, but maybe it is like breaking the love hymen or something. "Shooting at the wall of heartache. Bang. Bang!" I notice when the wall is up and when it's down and sometimes when it's down, it's scary as hell (especially when you don't plan for it).

I think I have high ideals about what love is for me. I don't think that is for everyone...Regardless, whatever your ideal is I think you should stick to it, know it, make it a lover of sorts and really vibrate that feeling, energy and language out there. A love activist for your self. Be it.