Sunday, September 25, 2005

Faking "It"

During my years in the desert, I met many interesting and creative people, one of which is a young photographer, Joey Moon, who recently sent me the following bizarre request:

Dearest SO,...
Just wondering if you have any ideas on how to produce fake cum for a titty-fuck shot. I'm thinking egg whites with maybe Elmer's Glue or something. Just hoping that your proximity to Hollywood somehow gives you this sort of inside information.
Your brother in jesus,

This was my reply:

First of all, I can't believe that this is the first thing I have heard from you in, oh, I don't know...years! Actually, I can believe it and I am flattered that when you thought about faking cum, you thought of me.

My first instinct says: flour and water or milk. Go into the kitchen and experiment, when faking an orgasm it's important to be creative. You might want to try out several different recipes. Also, hair conditioner might work. I suggest Suave Naturals Milk & Honey Conditioner (the cum-like quality is uncanny!) Depending on how you want the cum to "behave" during the shoot, you might want to avoid using glue, as it will be harder to reset if you want to re-cum your model.

I hope this helps. Please let me know how it cums out....

Joey emailed me back, thanking me for the conditioner tip and something about powdered egg whites and syrup. It seems like a sticky situation. He is working on a new project, which, based on his past work, I predict will be brilliant. His art is inspired blasphemy and I dig it.

In my own artistic endeavors involving ejaculate, I have always preferred the real thing as opposed to "faking" it. Call me a purist.

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