In my quest for new ways to torture myself, I have placed several personal ads up in various places around the web. This is supposed to help me find a date, which I cannot seem to accomplish without venturing into parts of the city that depress me and by the time I get there, I'm so morose that finding someone for romance or even conversation becomes an impossibility. I thought that online dating would be a good way to weed out the undesirables without leaving the house. So far, I haven't had any luck.
One of the interesting things that personal ads offer is the opportunity to say that all your vices are done "socially." Drinking, smoking, drugs, and such can be listed as "Socially Only." Who smokes socially? That seems weird and a sort of denial to me. But after some thought, I decided that I, too, have only social vices. The only reason I do these things alone is due to my violently anti-social tendencies.
Yet, I am the type of person who dreams scenarios like this: I am at a party. I am under dressed and not nearly witty enough for the room. The one pop culture reference I make falls flat and the party guests all frown in disapproval. Note to self: Stop mentioning Courtney Love. I notice a server walking by with a tray full of pistols. I grab one and pop it in my mouth like an hors d'oeuvre and pull the trigger.
Any bits of advice on how to trap a man would be greatly appreciated. I am afraid my methods have proven "unfruitful."