Thursday, August 17, 2006

Unfruitful

In my quest for new ways to torture myself, I have placed several personal ads up in various places around the web. This is supposed to help me find a date, which I cannot seem to accomplish without venturing into parts of the city that depress me and by the time I get there, I'm so morose that finding someone for romance or even conversation becomes an impossibility. I thought that online dating would be a good way to weed out the undesirables without leaving the house. So far, I haven't had any luck.

One of the interesting things that personal ads offer is the opportunity to say that all your vices are done "socially." Drinking, smoking, drugs, and such can be listed as "Socially Only." Who smokes socially? That seems weird and a sort of denial to me. But after some thought, I decided that I, too, have only social vices. The only reason I do these things alone is due to my violently anti-social tendencies.

Yet, I am the type of person who dreams scenarios like this: I am at a party. I am under dressed and not nearly witty enough for the room. The one pop culture reference I make falls flat and the party guests all frown in disapproval. Note to self: Stop mentioning Courtney Love. I notice a server walking by with a tray full of pistols. I grab one and pop it in my mouth like an hors d'oeuvre and pull the trigger.

Any bits of advice on how to trap a man would be greatly appreciated. I am afraid my methods have proven "unfruitful."

12 comments:

Dale said...

Lure them with candles. Light one and they will cum.

Ok, obviously I have no real advice but I was interested that you used the word trap.
Although it sucks, I think the really special people always have to wait a bit longer Saviour. Leave the sound of settling to the rest of them.

Saviour Onassis said...

I said "trap" because that's what it's come down to. I'm tired of waiting, Dale. Did I mention a four year self-inflicted celibacy is at stake here? (Alright, one minor indiscretion with a director about two years ago, but that's it.) I want love the way Veruca Salt wants a goose that lays golden eggs. That's right! I'm OLD SCHOOL. I'm bitchy and whiny! I have all the makings of a wife. Now somebody marry me, my biological clock is ticking! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

I don't want to be special. I want to be laid.

*Saviour lunges onto his bed and cries.*

Dale said...

Why you lunging lizard! Okay, by special I meant challenged so go -- eat, drink, be Mary. Find a fruitful place and lay your trap.

Saviour Onassis said...

Special? Challenged? Hey, am I missing something here?

Dale said...

Missing a whole target group you mean? Don't do it.

Saviour Onassis said...

Speaking from experience?

ziggystardust73 said...

I'm not getting in to the Diane Arbus conversation.

But bits of advice: 3 of my most selfish words:

Move to London.

Dale said...

I'm laughing. Bastard.

Saviour Onassis said...

Well, boys, I must be doing something right. Thanks for the advice, Ziggy. I will see what I can do about that.

Bored Dominatrix said...

Men who have to be trapped will always be looking for escape, and when they go, they'll leave their cage in a shambles and take all the really good stuff with them.

Saviour Onassis said...

Speaking from experience?

SlayGirl said...

You don't need to trap SO. You are a charming fabulous person. Any guy would be lucky to have you.