Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Trust Overfull & The Will of Man

I feel like a tiger with a steak lying just outside my cage.

Transitional mourning aside. These are the days of beer and poses, laid to waste on eyes too young and hearts too bruised. And I do say "Fuck You" for turning off the Air Con. This is the Valley, for Christ's sake, not Venice Beach. I struggled all afternoon to just do laundry. It was a bore.

If it's a crutch you want, a crutch you will receive. If it is pain you crave, then pain is what you'll bleed. I was never into "disco" for disco's sake. It was that damn Japanese wine that did me in. In all my dying, I have never once felt like silencing myself like I do now. Like I do now... See, it was the approach that caused the plane to crash. It was the intention behind those lying eyes. It was the juicy wet youth of the moment. It was and will never be. It isn't, anymore.

There was a time when I could have happily taught English to Aliens. But that, too, is gone. Daddy, it's gone. Go on and do it. See if I care. See how much I don't. See Dick. Run. If at first you don't succeed. Add a houseguest to the mix and stir. Sure, I've got a thousand dollars and not a shred of dignity. Three percent body fat doesn't impress me nearly as much as Charlie Bukowski, who always seemed so fragile. So about to break, that I broke my piggy bank as a boy and sent every red cent to Chinaski, care of Charles, LA, CA. No return address.

I've been had and had again, by my own heart. There might be an attack. But still.... I feel like a tiger with a steak lying just outside my cage.


Dale said...

Have you tried the cage door?

Time is the substance from which I am made. Time is a river which carries me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger that devours me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire --

Jorge Luis Borges

Dale said...

Or we could also go the Bjork route, great song but maybe not the greatest motto:

Darling, stop confusing me,
With your wishful thinking.
Hopeful embraces,
Dont you understand?
I have to go through this,
I belong to here where no-one cares,
And no-one loves.
No light no air to live in,
A place called hate,
The city of fear.

I play dead,
It stops the hurting.
I play dead,
And the hurting stops.

Its sometimes just like sleeping,
Curling up inside my private tortures.
I nestle into pain,
Hug suffering,
Caress every ache

I play dead, it stops the hurting.

Saviour Onassis said...

Dale, I would try the door but why bother? I don't eat steak, at least not anymore... As far as playing dead, it's the reanimation that kills me. Zombie, zombie, zombie!

Quick! Hand me a shovel! I'm going to China!

Dale said...

I dig.

Shroom-Monkey said...

Remember in Cat People when the zoo keeper got too close and put his arm in the cage only to have it ripped right off and eaten...

something to think about.....

Dale said...

...putting out fire with gasoline...

Saviour Onassis said...

Shroom- I think I blocked out having seen Cat People. But I do seem to remember a scene from Mommie Dearest, where Joan says to the Board at Pepsico: "Don't fuck with me fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!"

That's the direction I'm heading towards.

Dale- Grrrrr! Grrrrr!

Got a light?