Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Tenacious, Me? or The Big Empty

I have talent for certain things, but lack the tenacity required to bring them to fruition. Yes, I have tried eradicating entire elements from my life in order to make room for more worthwhile accoutrements; like a moral compass, blind ambition or even security. This is my undoing, have undone it all. Which is precisely why, when Mitch called today, I was forced to humble myself. My problems are not "all that", after all.

Mitch runs a support group for people who suffer from AC. If you are unfamiliar with this syndrome, please allow me to explain: AC stands for "anal compulsive", in other words, people who can't stop shoving things up their own ass. So, Mitch's little group meets twice a month, in order to encourage each other, offer support, etc. Having been a long term bed-wetter, I am more than familiar with the internal power issues at work here, admittedly, in reverse. For me, the problems had to do with inappropriate release and were cured by identifying what it was that I was afraid of "letting go." Those with AC, however, are compelled to "possess" things which are not natural. Imagine, if you will, trying to fill the emptiness you feel about the world, your life, your broken dreams... Literally, filling that void by sticking inappropriate objects up your bottom.

Mitch has been quite successful in helping people with AC, having suffered from it himself for years. He was able to transform his addiction by adopting a more philosophical approach towards his "hole", and the time he spent in prison helped a lot, too. When he called today, I knew that something was wrong. Had he relapsed again? I thought. Through his tears, he was able to explain.

"You remember Danika, right?" Mitch asked.
"The pretty one with the Care Bear tattoo?"
"Uh-Huh. She's in the hospital."
"My God! What happened?"
"Well, do you remember her pet iguana, Igor?"
"Oh, NO!"

"Yes!"

"Holy - Wow, that's gotta hurt!"

"They tried to save Igor, but...I, I - It's just so awful."

Unfortunately, this happens far more often than you would think. I get calls like this from Mitch and I just don't know what to do. And so, dear reader, I implore you: If you find yourself looking at something and thinking "I wonder..." DON'T DO IT! Especially when the lives of small animals are involved. Make Jell-O, instead! It takes a long time and beats the shit out of trying to explain why there is an iguana up your ass!

Then, I had to go over and comfort poor Mitch. I drove him to the hospital to visit Danika and made the mistake of stopping by the gift shop.

"What are you doing?" Mitch practically squealed.
"I don't want to show up empty handed..." I replied.
"Don't you understand?" Mitch asked with tears welling up in his eyes. "Everything in this room is a temptation!"

I looked around at the rows of stuffed animals, balloons and candy. "I guess I really don't understand." Then I followed Mitch into the elevator, empty-handed and grateful for my own lack of tenacity.

10 comments:

Mob said...

That's a really bizarre story, and I can't even begin to imagine the struggle put up by an enraged iguana when it started to get the picture of what was intended for it.

Saviour Onassis said...

Thanks, Mob.

Take comfort in knowing that Mitch is my imaginary friend, and as such, this is all just bullshit.

Dale said...

That was absolutely hilarious. I was hoping that if I laughed hard enough, other stuff would fall out of Danika's ass, things long forgotten. Old Jello moulds, the Temptations.

Bored Dominatrix said...

Make Jell-O, instead! It takes a long time and beats the shit out of trying to explain why there is an iguana up your ass!

How about making Jell-O in the shape of an iguana?

I was hoping that if I laughed hard enough, other stuff would fall out of Danika's ass, things long forgotten. Old Jello moulds, the Temptations.

I bet she was hoping the same thing, Dale. Didn't Tennessee Williams write a play about precisely that?

Saviour Onassis said...

Holly- Do you mean "Night of the Iguana"? That's about a preist on a crappy vacation, I believe...

Do you think they make an Iguana Jell-o mould?
That would be cool and time consuming...

Holly said...

Holly- Do you mean "Night of the Iguana"? That's about a preist on a crappy vacation, I believe...

but wasn't there a New England spinster with something up her ass in the play as well?

Saviour Onassis said...

(Saviour laughs hysterically and tries to type.)

Oh yeah!!! There was a New England spinster with something up her ass in the play... I don't think it was the iguana, though. If memory serves me correctly, they eat the iguana. Or is it the spinster? Kids throw rocks at the iguana and then Marlon Brando rapes it? I forget.

Holly, you are too funny. You made me chortle!

Holly said...

I thought I could squeeze a chortle out of you with that.

And if TW were alive, I bet he'd realize now what he SHOULD have done with that play.

Denise Groverton said...

Um Hi. I haven't told anyone about this so here goes. I'm a little nervous, but I guess this could be cathartic...and maybe i can help someone with my own trials and tribulations-- my sad story of love and loss.

Anyway, I've been having a rather unorthodox relationship with an eggplant named Sally over the last couple of months. She means the world to me and she's patient and supportive with me in a way I've found few other human lovers have ever been. Plus she's gorgeous. It's hard enough to find a hot lesbian in this town ( i live in Milford Ohio) but meeting an eggplant who's so truly showstopping...well, let's just say I thank my lord and saviour every morning that she came into my life. I won't go into the details of our sexlife, but she sure is a step up from the carrot I was involved with last xmas. That bitch was nuts.

Anyway, to make a long story short... Sally isn't what she was when I first met her at Kroger. As you probably know, fruits and vegetables aren't as long lived as the rest of us and our days together are drawing to a close. I care for Sally now and have to tend to her needs very carefully. She's wrinkling quite a bit, and she's not as supple and plump as, say, a month ago. I don't want to lose Sally and my therapist is concerned about the long hours I have to spend putting my own life on hold just to be with her in these last trying days. I've quit my job with the postal service and Sally and I are trying to travel a little bit before she can't leave the house anymore. We had to cancel our trip to St. Thomas. It's just too hot there for her now.

What I've learned though, is love is a rare and special gift and when you have it you never ever want to let it go. Sally will soon move on to a better place, and its because of me that she didn't become eggplant parmegian or grilled up next to a zucchini strip, a piece of asparagus and an onion. Still, depsite the great life we've had together, I know I'll be a miserable mess when she's gone. I've never felt such unconditional love and acceptance, such a feeling of belonging and such a fierce sexual need to be with someone-- and heck, now it's not even about the sex! She's such a great ...vegetable. I guess what I am trying to say though, is that when you have something so wonderful, appreciate it every moment. You never know when the next great person or fruit or beer bottle or mop handle or what have you will come into your life and you have to savor every moment as if it's your last.

PS. I'm not AC really. Sally and I couldn't get into anal...it was more of a vaginal thing and even then it turned so spiritual so fast that phsycial sex played a minor role in our lives. Can I still be a part of Mitch's group?

Saviour Onassis said...

Due to the terrible incident with Danika and her pet Iguana, Mitch has chosen NOT to continue as leader of the Anal Compulsive Group. His spirit is shattered, but please know that his heart goes out to you and Sally.

That is truly a heartbreaking story. I am sorry you fell in love with a vegetable.

Best Wishes,
Saviour O.