Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Cover Me

I'm a little lost.

Not just in the way that I am absent, but feeling as if I am a stranger in my skin. My life has changed dramatically in the last few weeks and yet, oddly, nothing is really that different. I almost feel like an impostor. I know that this is all just another tunnel down the rabbit hole.

While shopping, recently, JR asked me why I don't feel like I deserve good things. I have been thinking about that and I can't quite come up with an answer that satisfies all that the question implies. Is it that I feel the need to punish and discipline myself because I am a sinner? Could the residual religion of my childhood still have it's claws in me?

I do want to be happy. I want to deserve nice things. I need to feel like I've earned it. Yes, I am finally released from my self-imposed prison. But I can't get over the feeling that this is all just a dream. My saboteur is in full effect and, though I am aware of it, I cannot seem to get control of him. It's like Mitch always said: "Don't shit where you live." I never really understood that, because of the modern conveniences like toilets and the like. I asked him: "Don't you mean: Don't shit where you eat?"

Mitch looked at me, as if I had done just that, and it all made sense. I do deserve good things. I just have to learn not to shit all over them. Maybe things will get even better. Who knows? I just might find someone to fight over the covers with.

My life is still in boxes, mostly, and I realize that I'm not that anxious to unpack. Could it be that I am ready to let go of my baggage? Somehow that seems unlikely, but as they say: Out with the old, in with... Well, you know how it goes.

Thank you to everyone who has shown kindness and patience with me through my molting period. (You know who you are.) An even more brilliant version of me is on the way. In the meantime, please, cover me... I'm going in.

13 comments:

SlayGirl said...

Thanks SO. I needed to read this today. You have given me a lot to think about.

Dale said...

Your post made me think of that song by what's her name, Fly Away.

Saviour Onassis said...

I didn't mean to get so heavy. I just had a rough afternoon, yesterday. That's all.

I'm no jumper.

The Delusioneer said...

you may not be a jumper but your deffinitely a puncher... as i quickly found out when i jumped from around the corner and made you shit your pants... well worth it tho. that shit was funny.

as for the bitch you call the saboteur... she needs to move out cause i do not like her ass messing up the apartment... she doesnt even flush after she uses my bathroom.... how rude!

Dale said...

I never really thought of it as specifically a jumper song but I guess you could. I didn't call 911.

Bored Dominatrix said...

An even more brilliant version of me is on the way.

My first impulse was to say, "A more brilliant SO? Impossible!"

My second impulse was to say, "God, I can't wait!"

Saviour Onassis said...

Dale- I tend to read too much into things. I love that song. Thanks for reminding me.

Domi- I can't wait either!

mellowlee said...

I think things are going to get even better. Miss you!

SlayGirl said...

When I read this yesterday I was debating on whether I should take one course of action in my life (a safe route) or another (one that may be difficult but could be very fulfilling). Your post came at the right time to remind me that we need to take chances in life to achieve what we want. Thnx for the inspiration.

ziggystardust73 said...

Saviour - molting is so necessary at times isn't it? And quite a sexy process I might add.

Looking forward to seeing the even more brilliant version - how intriguing, given how brilliant you already seem.

Saviour Onassis said...

Thanks everybody...

I get my Internet hooked up tomorrow, so I will be able to properly blog, comment and most importantly, give your blogs the attention and time that they deserve. I miss me, too, but even more....I miss you.

Back Soon,
SO

PS> Slaygirl, I am glad I could help. Sometimes we all need a push. Take a chance, good things are in store.

mellowlee said...

Weeeeeeee *bouncing around the room gleefully*

Dale said...

Welcome back (soon), missed you.