Sunday, July 23, 2006

The Mitch Is Back

Plans to travel to the beach today were shit upon by God, who thought it would be funny to change the weather quite drastically. I did not laugh, neither did JR. He was looking forward to another romp with Poseidon, but as our day unfolded, the realization of that dream slowly whimpered and died. I actually got some things done around the house, but as I look around, I cannot remember exactly what they were. I only know that the place is feeling more like home every minute.

An invitation to a BBQ was extended to us and retracted too many times for my taste and when the hosts finally decided that it was on, I was off. Rather, JR was off to the BBQ and I chose to stay home and be the domestic goddess I always knew was in me. In strange ways, I have turned into my mother. For instance, yesterday I awoke early and began to clean the kitchen... Not that it needed it at all. I just wanted to spray and wipe the counters, over and over again. When JR finally got up, I had him put together the new vacuum cleaner so I could really do some reverse damage. He is younger than me and I tend to be more maternal than is required. When he questions my authority at home, I simply say: "Because I'm the Mama Bear, that's why!"

I had just settled down enough to watch some cable TV when I heard a horrible ruckus on the patio. I rushed to the window to see what the fuss was all about and found, of course, Mitch- stark naked, hanging from the mouth of a giant stork. They were struggling to land in the courtyard, much to my horror and dismay. I quickly opened the door and helped Mitch free himself from the stork's grip. It flew away and I escorted Mitch into the house before any of the neighbors saw. He was cold, wet and horribly dirty. I wrapped him in a towel and drew him a hot bath. Once in the water, he settled down enough to share his adventures with me. (For those of you who don't remember, my imaginary friend Mitch disappeared into the sea about two and a half weeks ago.)

"You really scared me, Mitch. What were you thinking, jumping into the ocean and swimming away like that?" I asked, as I washed his back with a loofah. "I thought you drowned."

"I did," He replied with a smile. "And I was instantly reborn as a dolphin. I traveled with a pod and they led me where I wanted to go." Mitch then recalled the tale of his meeting with the oldest and wisest living creature on the planet, a sperm whale who is commonly referred to as Leviathan, but prefers her real name, Shiloh Suri Kingston Greer.

Mitch had been granted an audience with Shiloh the Whale, in order to ask about me. He was concerned about my evolution. Shiloh explained that I had been stuck in a metaphorical prison, but that my evolution was finally happening. Everything that had happened to me, while in the belly of the whale, had led me to this moment and that if I continued to listen to my muses, I could do no wrong. She told Mitch that HE was an integral part of my development and that he should return to me as soon as possible.

Shiloh said: "Saviour Onassis has a good heart. He just needs to get laid a little more often. You should help him out with that, Mitch. Just remember... Watching American Idol is like watching someone pick their nose, but voting for American Idol is like picking someone else's nose. Nobody should do that. Tell Saviour, I said to be careful with the cable TV and to concentrate on his toes a little more often. Baby Onassis is gonna take over the world one day and you will be there to see it all. Now go back up there and break in that new IKEA bed he bought..." Then she swam away.

I thought about Mitch's story while he dried off and put on some deodorant.

"That's amazing Mitch, but how did you manage to email me from the bottom of the ocean?"

"In case you didn't know, dolphins invented the internet. They are, like, totally smart." And with that, Mitch threw down his towel and wrestled me onto the bed. His lips were still salty from the sea, but I didn't care. Mitch was back in my arms again. A wave of guilt came over me as Mitch kissed my neck. I stopped him, briefly, to apologize for not taking better care of his beloved dog, Abercrombie, who had been picked up on prostitution and cannibalism charges in Hollywood last week.

"Don't be silly," Mitch replied. "He wasn't a real dog."

Then the radio came on and we made love, as the smooth sounds of The Temptations washed over us, like waves.
Each day through my window I watch her as she passes by
I say to myself, "You're such a lucky guy"
To have a girl like her is truly a dream come true
Out of all the fellas in the world, she belongs to you.

But it was just my imagination,
Running away with me
It was just my imagination,
Running away with me...


Dale said...

Uh oh, is Al Gore going to start wrestling dolphins over this now?

Great to see Mitch back where he belongs and you not stuck there worrying about Abercrombie when you could be working on your toes.

Bored Dominatrix said...

I'm really glad Mitch is back. Tell him hi for me.

mellowlee said...

Yay he's back! I missed you and Mitch.

Saviour Onassis said...

It's like that scene in The People Vs. Larry Flynt where he has the secretary announce that "The pervert is back....The pervert is back..."

I really love to share the sordid details of my non-existant love life with you all. Maybe soon I will post a photo of Mitch... Or do you think it's better to let him remain a figment of our collective imaginations? I, for one, know exactly what the boy looks like from head to toe.

Shit! I'm supposed to be working on my toes... Thank you all for your kind ass words.

SlayGirl said...

Wow, what an entrance. I would not have expected anything less from Mitch though.

Saviour Onassis said...

Thanks, Slaygirl. Yeah, Mitch can make quite an entrance, but he learned from the best, you know.

ziggystardust73 said...

you made love to mitch? was that your first time?

Saviour Onassis said...

Yes, Ziggy. And no, it wasn't the first time. The first time I actually wrote about it here. But I am curious why you are asking. Are you jealous?

ziggystardust73 said...

I've only just read this response, Saviour. My bad.

And yes, I was jealous.